


I'm not her, you know

by paupotter_4869



Series: The Most Important Thing. . . [3]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Character Development, Growth, Pain, Recovery, and yet he realizes that not taking her to the fireflies himself it would break both of them, change of heart, change of mind, heart to heart, joel's opened himself up to love again and it scares the hell out of him, sarah's portrait, she is not sarah but might as well be joel's surrogate daughter, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27855837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paupotter_4869/pseuds/paupotter_4869
Summary: A two-chapter work, set during the events of chapter seven "Tommy's Dam". Ellie finds out about Sarah and it takes a toll on her, especially after she overhears Joel won't take her to the Fireflies. She flees and Joel goes after her. They have a heart to heart. Joel changes his mind.First chapter from Joel's POV, second from Ellie's.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Joel & Sarah (The Last of Us)
Series: The Most Important Thing. . . [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033674
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything. All credit to Naughty Dogs. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The faded picture Tommy had shown him earlier, before the bandits attack, had stirred something within Joel. 

Some part of him couldn’t quite believe Tommy had risked his neck to go back home purely for sentimental reasons, although there was nothing that awaited them back in Texas—nothing worth crossing the country and putting his life in jeopardy for it, certainly. Still, the risks Tommy took in that mission were only a minor issue in Joel’s mind. 

He almost stopped breathing when Tommy handed him the picture, one Joel had hoped he’d never see again. It showed two people that no longer existed: a young, smiling Sarah holding out a soccer trophy and putting up the universal victory sign in front of the camera, and a proud, smiling Joel hanging from her neck. They both died the day the outbreak took place and Joel never thought his heart could open up ever again, for anyone. 

Tommy didn’t, either. That was the thing that split them apart. Joel hadn’t had any faith in the world since Sarah’s death. He should have died instead of Sarah, or with her, and not a day went by that he didn’t think so. Tommy used to go around him on his tiptoes, scared to trigger him off by doing or saying the wrong thing—saying the wrong _name_ —and at some point, he got fed up with Joel’s negativity and pessimism. So, he left him. Like everyone else in his damned life. 

He spent almost twenty years in solitude, fighting his way through the pain. 

In the beginning, Ellie was only cargo. A way to get their guns back. Just another mission. After Tess. . . Joel knew, rationally, that the best course of action should have been to take Ellie back to the city, back to the Fireflies, forget about the guns, and have Marlene sort it all out. A sense of loyalty made him agree to Tess’s plea. 

Since then. . . Things had changed. Ellie pissed him off, obviously, she didn’t make his job of protecting her easy. She was just an annoying, yapping teenager, one that Joel barely got a glimpse of through Sarah. But she held her ground thousands of times. She was brave and strong. 

In one word, his heart had changed. _She_ had changed it, without knowing what she was doing to him. 

The picture had hurt him, sure. Losing Sarah was the most difficult thing he’d ever done. But it hurt for another reason, too. At that moment, he realized that he’d started to think less and less about Sarah. Where he used to wake up in the middle of the night mumbling her name and thinking of her, Joel realized that Ellie had started to occupy Sarah’s place. His heart didn’t ache every minute of every day for his lost daughter. Sometimes, when he tried to remember Sarah, at an excursion or something they did together, it was Ellie’s face who came to mind. And, worse of all, he’d started to forget Sarah’s voice. 

The fact that Ellie had grown so much into his heart scared him. And when he found Tommy, he saw the solution—made up his mind within seconds after finding out Tommy was still alive. He’d let his brother take Ellie to the Fireflies and he’d be on his way. The truth was, he couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t lose her. Not all over again. 

He knew it the moment the attack began. His heart was racing so much at not having Ellie by his side, within sight, so he could protect her and make sure she was alright. He didn’t know Maria just yet and although Tommy seemed to trust her, Joel had a hard time breathing until she saw Ellie again with his own two eyes. He couldn’t stand much of her jabber, the adrenaline high compelling her to tell Joel al about her experience and the attack. 

“Slow down. Listen,” he commanded, interjecting her story. He held her by the shoulders, checking her from head to toes, making sure she _was_ unscathed. Not that he didn't trust Maria or her men, but this was Ellie, he needed to make sure for himself. “Hey, hey. Are you hurt?” 

“No,” she promised. 

Tommy seemed to understand it all at that time, too—saw how attached he felt towards Ellie, how much they’d bonded, and understood Joel couldn’t handle losing anyone else. Knew it even before he’d heard about Tess, and still agreed to take Ellie to the Fireflies himself. 

Him agreeing to it lifted such a heavy burden off of Joel’s shoulders. . . It was over. All the caring and taking care of another teenage girl, all the emotional struggles, they were finally all done and dealt with. Joel truly believed he could just return to Lincoln, to his old, sour, miserable, lonely life, without Tess. 

Until Ellie ran off, that was, and he found himself chasing after her with Tommy. She really didn’t give peace a chance, did she—they’d just survived a bandits attack and she’d just gone off with one of the horses. Thank God, she hadn’t been hurt. 

Why was she being so difficult? They had an agreement—he had an agreement with Marlene, to take Ellie to the Fireflies. Ellie could care less about who took her back to Marlene. They’d had one too many close calls over the past few weeks and Joel wasn’t going to risk Ellie’s life any longer. He trusted Tommy’s instincts better than his own, especially considering that he knew a few former Fireflies soldiers that would make things easier. It was best for everybody. 

She didn’t see it that way, though. Of course, Joel failed to see that going each other’s way was the best for _him,_ no doubt. 

“Do you even realize what your life means? Huh?” he said, trying to open Ellie’s eyes to reason, albeit he’d chosen a poor argument he barely believed in. Her immunity was Marlene’s truth, it was Ellie and, heck, even Tommy’s cause, but it wasn’t _the_ truth—it wasn’t _Joel’s_ truth, the one thing he couldn’t tell her. “Running off like that, putting yourself at risk. . . That’s pretty goddamn stupid.” 

She wouldn’t hear about it, however. And she touched the one subject she couldn’t bring up. 

“I’m not her, you know.”

“Ellie,” Joel scowled, raising his voice as he never used to do with her. “You are treading on some mighty thin ice here.” 

“Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me. Everyone—fucking except for you!” she said, pushing him on the chest with that final yell. 

As she talked and opened up for the first time since they’d met, confessing about being scared, about being scared of not staying with him, Joel listened and tried not to react. He forbade himself from crumbling. That was what he’d been afraid of. And the truth remained—he wasn’t too sure he could handle it. 

“You’re right. You ain’t my daughter. And I sure as hell ain’t your dad. And we are going our separate ways.” He spoke slowly, seeing the pain he caused Ellie with each of those words, which in turn shattered his heart into a million pieces. He didn’t mean to hurt Ellie—it was more of a reminder to himself rather than her, but the words needed to be spoken. He couldn’t take her to the Fireflies. He wouldn’t survive the trip and he feared he’d bring Ellie down to hell with her. 

He saw the hurt look on her eyes, but their conversation was cut short. The world didn’t really allow for many heartfelt confessions, these days, and Joel and Tommy just had to take care of a few more bandits. 

After all was said and done, Joel regretted his words and actions. Ellie walked past him without sparing him a look or a single word, went straight towards her horse, and refused Tommy’s help climbing up. On their way back to Jackson, Joel rode behind her, saw how devastatingly hurt she was, saw her defeated demeanor. Her shoulders dropped, she barely looked up ahead at the path they were following, and Joel kind of missed her usual jabbering. 

Joel couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t live with himself if he parted ways like that, but at that moment, he realized he couldn’t part ways with Ellie, either. He was doing what he thought was best for him. He hadn’t taken into account the girl’s feelings, who had just confessed, would feel that much safer traveling with him—could he take that simple solace from the girl? In his selfishness, trying to protect his old, broken heart, he’d managed to hurt an innocent, pure, young girl. 

By the time they pulled up by the cliff over Jackson, the lights on the houses turned on, and Tommy mentioned the kids would be watching movies that night, Joel’s mind was made up. As per his heart. . . He simply knew he couldn’t leave Ellie. That was enough, for the moment. 

“Ellie, get off your horse, give it on back to Tommy,” he ordered. 

He saw the shock on both Ellie’s and Tommy’s eyes, which was only natural, he’d changed his mind so drastically in about a couple of hours. Joel simply made up some lame-ass excuse concerning Maria, although he knew for a fact that had Tommy not returned safe and sound to Jackson, the woman would have put a bullet between his eyes, no questions asked. 

Tommy tried to stall, inviting them back to town to make Joel reconsider, but Joel had made up his mind, already. The only thing left for him to know was how to find this Lab he was supposed to take Ellie to. 

“There’s a place for you here,” Tommy tried one last time, offering Joel and Ellie a home of sorts they hadn’t known for so many years. 

Nodding, Joel appreciated the invite, for he and Tommy had just had the very first decent conversation in years. He’d been haunted by the ghost of Sarah for so damned long, but now it wasn’t about him anymore. All that mattered to him was doing right by Ellie. 

“You good?” he asked Ellie. He saw the appreciation in her eyes even though she was avoiding looking at him straight. 

“I’m good,” she said, and Joel knew that agreeing to take her all the way to the University of Eastern Colorado was the right choice to make, here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second and last chapter. Same events, written from Ellie's POV

“Go with Maria and put some food in you,” Joel instructed. 

“But—” Ellie tried to argue, not that Joel’s face allowed any sort of argument whatsoever. She’d been on the receiving end of that look one too many times: whenever she tried to bring Tess up, for example, and also, when she mentioned Henry or Sam. Or back at Bill’s, after they’d been attacked and she mentioned how successful their little mission had turned out, and Ellie immediately understood she needed to make herself scarce. 

Although she’d gotten used to some of Joel’s piercing, stern, disapproving looks and to his sour moods, it hurt Ellie that he chose now to play that card. She didn’t want to be left out, or to be left away. 

“Come on, let’s give the boys some space,” said Maria, just trying to maintain the peace. She patted Ellie’s shoulder to lead her towards the opposite direction Joel and Tommy would go to. 

Begrudgingly, Ellie turned around and followed Maria, looking over the shoulder as Joel joined his brother through that door and disappeared from sight. Ellie had spent every second of every day with Joel ever since they met—the man had kept her safe and sound through every obstacle, Infected or human, they’d faced in the past few weeks. Being away from him now, in a territory she didn’t know, in the company of a woman she barely knew, felt strange, maybe even out of place. 

Maria took her to the so-called dining hall, a room with barely enough space for two tables. One of them was occupied at the moment by half a dozen men and women, all too busy gobbling down food from a casserole lying in the middle of the table. The smell only made Ellie’s stomach rumble and her mouth water. 

“Everyone! Show some manners, we’ve got a guest—this is Ellie,” said Maria. 

“Hey there,” a couple of people greeted, raising their hands, or perhaps just their forks and knives, at her. 

“Don’t take it personally, you kind of chose a bad time,” another woman said, coming from the other room, flashing Ellie a broad smile. “Dinner and lunchtime are sacred, around here.” 

“Ellie, this is Alicia. She’s our best cook.” 

“And Maria’s a flatterer,” Alicia retorted, winking at Ellie. “She only says that because she can barely make some eggs.” 

“Well, some cook, some teach, some hunt,” shrugged Maria. “Can you fix Ellie a plate?” 

“Of course!” Alicia nodded. “Come with me. One can never make ‘too much’ food around here, these piggish would finish two casseroles each and _still_ beg for more when they were done. Oh, this is Max, he gives me a hand whenever he can.” 

The man in question was washing dishes in the kitchen, but he did take the time to turn around and wave and smile at Ellie. She corresponded with a nod, although manners and propriety was the last thing on her mind as she saw another casserole filled to the brim with pasta. Alicia and Maria kept talking on and on about inane things Ellie could care less about, concerning the hydroplant or whatever her name was, the people living in Jackson, and a variety of subjects. Ellie kept quiet and ate. 

Part of her couldn’t help but feel insecure and anxious around here. Ever since they’d been on the road, the only people they’d met who hadn’t tried to attack or kill her were Sam and Henry, and she felt conscious about all these unknown people. Seemed like some of Joel’s instincts were slowly rubbing off on her, finally. He’d be proud—or so she’d like to think, albeit there was no denying it, Joel was a difficult man to read, most of the time. 

“By the way, rumor has it, Tommy’s brother’s in town?” Alicia asked some time later. At that, Ellie froze, almost choking on that last spoonful. She could feel the women’s stares locked on her and feared the sort of questions they would subject her to. 

“Older brother, Joel,” Maria nodded, her mouth full. 

“Are they staying?” 

“No idea. We really didn’t talk at great length,” confessed Maria, shrugging as if she didn’t care how long were Joel and Ellie staying for—she hadn’t yet pressed for Ellie’s story, after all. “I would like to, however. Tommy’s told me so much about him, I don’t know what I expected. Might have gotten the wrong impression.” 

As if remembering Ellie’s presence, Maria looked up at her and pointed her fork at the girl. 

“You’ve spent quite some time with Joel. What is he like?” 

Ellie choked, putting her empty plate aside. Alicia instantly asked if she wanted a refill and Ellie couldn’t force herself to decline the offer—they’d been so hungry the past few days. Without a plate in front of her, however, she had no distractions and couldn’t avoid Maria’s eye, still waiting for an answer. 

“Oh, well, he. . . He’s. . . He can be grumpy,” stuttered Ellie. 

Of course, that was being very nice, where Joel was concerned. But she was afraid of saying the wrong thing—luckily, for now, Maria had only laughed at her honesty. 

“He’s risked his neck and saved me so many fucking times. On the other hand, seems to me he’s just an old, cantankerous man,” Ellie finished her description. At that moment, Alicia reappeared with another dish of pasta, which she laid in front of her. Ellie immediately picked up her fork, but funnily enough, she couldn’t bring herself to eat anything. 

“Well, the last twenty years haven’t been easy on anyone, Ellie,” Maria tried to reason, her voice much less amused now. Ellie missed the look the two women exchanged, which was good, because she wouldn’t have known how to interpret it. “Much less him.” 

“That’s no excuse.” 

“Maybe not. But he’s been through so much a parent should never—” 

“Hold on, back up,” Ellie shrieked. _“Parent?”_

Maria looked up at her with an equally shocked face. “You. . . You didn’t know?” 

“He’s not a very talkative person with strangers, as I’m sure you’ll learn by yourself soon enough.” 

Biting her lower lip, Maria fell at a loss for words. She exchanged one look with Alicia and the two women seemed to have a conversation on their own, for Alicia stood and headed over the other table, asking the crewmembers if their hunger had been satiated, yet. 

As per Maria, she left her dish half-full and stood, as well. 

“Come with me,” she instructed, waving for Ellie to follow her out of the room. Scared that she’d made a terrible mistake, Ellie jumped out of her chair and ran after Maria, who was waiting for her leaning against a wall. 

She walked off and Ellie followed, appreciating the privacy from the other crewmembers. Maria made sure they were safely away from the dining hall before she talked, insecure at the beginning. 

“Not sure I’m the right person to tell you this, but heck. Joel, he. . . He had a daughter. Name was Sarah. She was your age, perhaps. She died on the day of the outbreak. I don’t know the specifics, although who the hell needs any details beyond that, right?” she asked over her shoulder. Ellie hoped she wasn’t truly expecting an answer, because she couldn’t come up with any. “I don’t know if that excuses his behavior today, however, it comes to prove you don’t really know anyone just by scraping the surface, doesn’t it?” 

“Guess so,” said Ellie, at a loss for more articulate words. 

“In here,” Maria instructed, opening a door. 

She turned on the lights just as Ellie stepped in, revealing the bedroom with two bunk beds and a desk in a corner. It was empty at the moment. Maria walked towards a backpack on a table, phished something out of it, and handed the picture to Ellie. 

“That’s Sarah.” 

Upon seeing the picture, Ellie froze. She didn’t know what she’d expected to see, but she wasn’t prepared for it, nonetheless. The image showed a blond girl out in a football field, wearing a white-and-blue striped football T-shirt, flashing the universal sign of ‘victory’, confirmed by the trophy she had in her other hand. 

The thing that shocked her was the man hanging from the girl’s—Sarah’s—neck. It was, without a doubt, Joel, although she hadn’t met that man. He looked relaxed, proud, joyful, and sported a big, broad smile. He was younger, of course, with barely any grey hairs or lines around his eyes and mouth. Ellie had yet to see that expression on the broody, bereaved, frugal man she met back in Lincoln. 

“I see,” she whispered. 

This is why Joel hated her. He’d taken her safe and sound across-country and saved her from countless menaces. But it was just a job for him. Right? He’s to deliver her to the Fireflies, to Marlene, to collect a reward, those forsaken weapons he and Tess were so interested in back in Lincoln. That was all there was to it. 

That was what _she_ meant to Joel—cargo, a means to an end. When did she forget? How could she be so stupid to forget it? 

An alarm blared, scaring the hell out of Ellie, focused as she was on the picture and everything it meant for her and for Joel. 

“Fuck,” Maria scowled, grabbing her by the arm and checking her guns. 

“What’s happening?” Ellie shrieked. 

“We’re under attack. You stay close to me, you understand?” Maria ordered her as she pushed Ellie out of the room. 

Outside, gunshots were fired from and in every direction, and Maria kept a hand against her head, making sure Ellie stayed down. She could only do that—stay back, let other people protect and take care of her. The crewmembers showed up from the dining hall, carrying all sorts of weapons, and surrounded her and Maria, sharing whatever ammo they had on them. 

Despite what she’d just learned about Joel, despite how she felt now towards the man, Ellie found herself thinking of him. She knew they shouldn’t have split away. She wished she had been more adamant, earlier. Even in the midst of a fight, she felt safe with him. Now, with Maria and her crew, with bandits breaking in, Ellie had never felt so afraid, or so insecure. She only breathed when she saw Joel and he took her in his arms to check if she was alright. 

She was, now that Joel was back with her. 

After the attack, she noticed Maria and Tommy were having an argument outside. She did not understand the reasons and Joel only growled a one-word answer in the form of ‘later’, which did not solve any of Ellie’s riddles. 

“It takes one. _One_ fuck-up! One fuck-up and then I turn into one of those widows!” Maria shrieked then. 

Ellie understood Joel’s true feelings then. He not only hated her because she reminded him of his dead daughter, but he also wanted her out of his hair and out of his life. He couldn’t stand her any longer, even if it meant losing his precious cargo, and he was going to send her off with his brother. 

She couldn’t listen anymore. She had to run away and simply took one of the horses while they were unguarded. She couldn’t believe Joel was going to drop her off and forget about her, just like that. She knew he was only supposed to drop her off with Marlene, collect his payment, and be on his way, but it seemed it hadn’t sunk in, just yet, or she just wasn’t prepared for such an early separation. 

Her plan wasn’t to run away, exactly—not that she _had_ actually a plan. She wasn’t going after the Fireflies on her own, without mentioning she didn’t even know where to find them. She just needed some alone time and, when she found some abandoned houses, she didn’t think it twice and went in. 

No one was occupying the house, although, unfortunately, the kitchen had been scavenged a long time ago. On the second floor, she found a girl’s bedroom and she dropped her backpack as she examined the room, wondering if Sarah’s old bedroom would look anything like it: posters on the walls, the cupboard filled to the brim with shirts and skirts, stuffed animals and books on the shelves. 

During her examination, she found an old diary. She sat down by the window to read it, but it was filled with such inane and bizarre entries that she could hardly understand or sympathize with the once-upon-a-time owner’s feelings. Were all of Sarah’s worries like that, too, back in the day? 

Joel and Tommy didn’t take too long to find her. Joel was the only one who came upstairs to find Ellie, but as soon as he saw she was unscathed, he ordered her to grab her gear and be on their way. As if nothing had happened—as if nothing had _changed_ —he hurried her to mount her horse and head for the Fireflies. . . With Tommy. 

“And if I say no?” she dared him, because she truly had no intention to go. 

Joel mentioned her immunity, what her life meant for humankind, but she knew he was lying, hiding the truth buried deep down—he never believed in what her immunity could achieve, ever since that first night, when she revealed what she was. 

“What do you want from me?” he demanded. 

“Admit that you wanted to get rid of me the whole time!” Ellie exploded. 

Again, Joel made up some bullshit excuse about the number of close calls they’d had already throughout their journey, and how much safer she would be with Tommy for the rest of the trip to the Fireflies. . . Ellie refused to believe a single word he uttered. She knew the truth, now, and hoped Joel would man up and confess so. 

“Maria told me about Sarah. . .” Part of her believed she was strong enough to part ways with Joel, so long as he told her the truth. 

Because he failed to see _her_ side, too. 

“I’m sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I’ve lost people too. Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me. Everyone—fucking except for you!” she exploded, hitting him on the chest with that last part. 

Joel must have known how much his next words would hurt her and yet he still went the extra mile to remind Ellie—and remind himself, probably—that they _weren’t_ father and daughter, and that they were going their separate ways, whether she wanted so or not. It felt as if he consciously wanted to inflict her with the pain of pouring salt on an open wound. 

Tommy barged in then, announcing the arrival of some bandits or whatnot. Ellie couldn’t care less at that moment, and the consequent fight happened in a blur. She stayed behind in that bedroom until Joel gave the all-clear and Tommy urged her to leave that house at once. She could barely address Joel a look outside, or throughout their ride back to Tommy’s. 

As soon as they got back, Ellie would go with Tommy, an almost complete stranger, to meet the Fireflies, and Joel would just disappear, probably forever. He wouldn’t give her a second thought, unless it were to blame her about Tess’ death and the weapons he couldn’t retrieve. She didn’t mean anything to him—she wasn’t Sarah. 

Eventually, they got back to Jackson in the midst of the most uncomfortable and strangest of silences. Ellie didn’t listen to the brother’s conversation, arranging _her life,_ her travel plans, without even asking her opinion or feelings on the matter. Joel was just one more person in a long list of lost friends and family who’d abandon her. What difference did it make? She should have gotten used to it by now. 

“Ellie, get off your horse, give it on back to Tommy.” 

Lost in her reveries, she’d barely heard a word they’d been saying. Had Joel truly told her to give her horse back to Tommy? 

“Go on. Don’t make me repeat myself?” Joel rushed her. 

She had no idea what had changed Joel’s mind in the past twenty minutes, but she was not going to argue, lest he changed his mind yet again. She climbed down the horse and gave the reigns over to Tommy, apologizing for stealing the animal in the first place, as Joel made up an excuse about not wanting Tommy’s wife to go after him if something happened to Tommy. It was obviously another excuse—he was getting worse at those, or maybe Ellie was just beginning to be able to read through Joel’s lies. 

“Look, come back to town, let’s discuss it, at least,” Tommy suggested. 

“Eh, you know me. My mind’s all made up,” Joel replied. 

For once, Ellie did appreciate the man’s stubbornness—she didn’t want to go back to town and discuss anything, lest Joel changed his mind again. She accepted Joel’s help to climb onto his horse and, with that simple enough gesture, it seemed like all the discussions and arguments amongst the three of them had already been uttered and rebuked. 

“You good?” Joel asked her, softly. 

“I’m good,” she nodded. Ellie didn’t quite understand what had transpired or what had prompted Joel’s change of heart, but she was damned glad that it had happened. 

“Adiós, little brother,” Joel bid farewell.


End file.
